How to Tell the Difference Between Lust and Love

How can you tell the difference between lust and love? When you feel emotionally and/or physically attracted to someone, it can sometimes be hard to know whether what you’re feeling is love or just lust—especially in the beginning. Since these feelings often overlap in experience and sensation, they can be confusing and difficult to analyze. However, there are many differences between them. 

Simply put, love often takes time to develop, while feelings of lust can arise instantly. Additionally, lust is primarily focused on physical and sexual attraction, whereas love usually involves a deeper care for someone, along with emotional, intellectual, and romantic connection that goes beyond just the physical.

Below, we’ll explore these differences in more detail and share some tips on how to tell the difference between lust and love, so you can better understand what you’re feeling toward someone.

How to Tell the Difference Between Lust and Love

While love can look different for different people and there are various definitions, one way to define love, according to the American Psychological Association, is as “a complex emotion centered on a strong feeling of closeness, affection, and tenderness.” Or, consider the triangular theory of love developed by American psychologist Robert J. Sternberg, which suggests that the three core components of love are intimacy, passion, and commitment. Love often involves a deep emotional bond, along with care and concern for the other person’s well-being. It may include sexual or physical connection, but not always—and if it does, that part of the connection is usually not the main driving force. In contrast, lust typically involves physical attraction and sexual desire as its primary elements. 

These two feelings can exist at the same time, but they don’t have to: someone may feel both love and lust for a person, or only love, or only lust. In understanding the differences, it can help to consider the role of time. Lust can be immediate, while love often takes time to develop. As mentioned earlier, it’s possible to feel both lust and love at the same time, which can make things confusing. Usually, though, someone may “fall into lust” with a person at first sight, while love tends to grow over time and with care. If the relationship develops, the initial feeling of lust may fade as deeper feelings of love and care emerge. Unlike lust, love often takes time to grow and is usually more stable over time.

How Can I Tell the Difference?

With these definitions in mind, how can you distinguish between love and lust in real-life situations? If you’re struggling to figure out what you might be experiencing, it may help to consider some of the following feelings and sensations that are more typical of lust versus love. 

If you’re feeling lust toward someone, you might experience some or all of the following: 

• You focus on their physical features
• You may not know them well, but you feel a strong desire for them
• You fantasize about them, focusing on physical or sexual intimacy
• You’re not particularly interested in other aspects of their life, like their interests, hobbies, or dreams
• Deeper conversations feel uncomfortable or unnecessary, and your relationship may depend heavily on physical intimacy

When you’re in love, some of the following may resonate with you:

• You want to do things together that go beyond just physical intimacy, like spending quality time together
• You love who they are as a person and care about what they do
• You enjoy spending time with them doing a variety of activities
• You’re excited about a future together, making plans and sharing hopes with each other
• It feels natural to talk and get to know each other deeply
• You’re interested in some form of commitment and continuity in the relationship
• The novelty of the relationship may have faded, but you still enjoy it just as much or more
• You recognize the other person is human and imperfect, rather than putting them on a pedestal
• It remains enjoyable because love often grows over time, while lust may fade

Navigating Romantic Relationships in Counseling

Even with these definitions and descriptions, telling the difference between love and lust is often easier said than done. Navigating relationships and intimacy can be challenging, and sometimes it helps to get an objective, third-party perspective on what you’re feeling. If you think you could benefit from extra support, you might consider speaking with a counselor. They can provide a safe space where you can express and process your feelings, so you can better understand what you’re experiencing toward someone.